On Saturday, after experiencing all those emotions about finding Nana’s family on Facebook, we went back to life as usual. We were planning to go to the circus after Nana woke up from her nap. But that day, Nana woke up with an attitude. She cried as she woke up (on her own), cried when she went to the potty, cried as I washed her up, cried as I combed her hair. And not just a mew, mew, mew cry, but an out and out scream cry complete with repeatedly saying, ‘I want my Daddy!!”
And I just. couldn’t. take it.
She was inconsolable and acted like I was harming her…from the moment she woke up. I have no idea what was wrong with her but she wasn’t having any of me. She didn’t want hugs, kisses, touches. She didn’t want me to talk to her. She just screamed for her father. I lost it.
I told Wood that the circus was off and to take her away. She’s calling you over and over, obviously she doesn’t want me so just take her and leave. I wanted her out of my face. I wanted them to leave. I wanted my mother. I felt overwhelmed by the screaming and just flat-out REJECTED.
Wood, being the perfect husband and father, took Nana for a ride to Target. I took off my clothes and sunk into the bed. Tears.
I called my mother and my mother-in-law just to get their stories of feeling like you had enough. Neither one of them answered.
The rest of the evening and the next day, I was a mess. It became clear to me this weekend that I needed a self-care regimen. I needed to make time for myself on a regular basis and to be honest, talking to a counselor wouldn’t hurt. A two-year-old doing two-year-old things shouldn’t have made me take to my bed for the rest of the weekend. I felt like a woman in a novel from the early 1900’s – “taken to her bed.” Where they do that at?
When Nana wakes up from her nap on Sunday, it’s just mother and daughter in the house. I’m wary about how this is going to go since she has been stuck to her father like glue all weekend. I drag myself from my bed and go into her room. She immediately says, “I need a hug. I want a kiss.” She’s especially touchy, sitting right next to Mommy, hooking her arm through mine in unnatural ways in order to stay close to me. Clearly she feels the distance between us and wants her Mommy back. I give her all the hugs and all the kisses because I need the distance to dissipate also. We play and giggle and then go to do our favorite bonding activity. Cooking – me with real food, her with Playdoh. Wood returns to laughter and hugs and a home-cooked Sunday dinner of smothered pork chops, turnip greens and a salad. All is well again between his girls so he’s good.
Except that it isn’t. This is the second time that I’ve had one of these episodes and it scares me. As the adult, I should be able to pull back my emotions and just deal with what was essentially a tantrum. But instead, I pulled back and depended completely on Wood to handle everything. I sometimes feel like maybe I am over my head with this motherhood thing.