In the middle of planning a funeral it’s normal to feel out of sorts.
I’ve been working with my grandmother’s close friend on the service. She, Nana, and myself (and various family members) have been moving around the city to the funeral home, the mall to buy a funeral garment, to the printers, back to the funeral home. It’s tiring to do this amount of ripping and running when you are by yourself but when you have a 2 year old and a 75 year old in tow, it’s much slower since there are bathroom breaks and sit down for food breaks and just natural folks are tired breaks.
Nana is the best road dog, and I mean this. She has maintained a fantastic attitude while amazingly crossing the potty training hurdle and starting dry for the last two days AND nights. Still it is draining me to be the sole caregiver.
That seems strange to say since I’m in my hometown with my family, but the reality is every village ain’t that type of village.
On Monday night, while Nana was eating, I left my sister to keep an eye on her and went and sat in the car. I didn’t need to go anywhere. I just set in the car, read about 15 pages of a book, and just exhaled.
I just needed a minute. A minute of not having to spend latent energy watching her to make sure she doesn’t fall off of a chair. A minute to escape the constant chatter. A minute to not have to answer to “Mommy.” A minute to not nudge her to eat her vegetables. A minute to not take her to the potty.
It’s interesting because I see my sister acting the same way I did when I was childless. I could muster energy to play with a child for some time but I didn’t know how to handle or even had the interest to volunteer for the full responsibility. She’s been great with hosting us and has been diligently, if not enthusiastically, doing her Auntie duties. She makes breakfast, plays with her and sometimes takes her to the bathroom. On the other hand, she refused to take her to the bathroom after the first couple of times saying she didn’t feel like it. So with that as the backdrop, the reality is, she isn’t giving me the type of break that I need to recharge my batteries.
Last night I left Nana with my mother. I’ve been able to move around more freely and I needed the respite. I miss Nana but it was time to put the village to the test.