I’ve talked quite a bit about the logistics but not much about the feelings involved in this new phase of our lives.
I’ve never been a “motherly” type. People who know me would mention that they couldn’t see me as a mother. Kids never really gravitated towards me. That was fine, I never really gravitated towards them either. My own mother had given up on having any grandchildren. I knew that I would be a good mother. A mother that would be attentive and supportive and expose my child to all the right activities and do the extra teaching at home. I would be loving and affectionate but probably not “motherly.” When we had Roly, I enjoyed her, but she clearly gravitated towards Wood. I liked her, but I was okay with letting her go. I thought I might be like that about any child that came to our home.
So this – this person that I’ve become in a matter of one week. This giggly, tickly, kissy poo poo, eternally hugging, neck-sniffing, thigh-pinching, hair-smoothing, baby-rocking, bundle of maternity. I have no idea where she has been hiding and who she is. Where did she come from? I am surprised and honestly delighted with this turn of events. I’m a mother.
It’s absolutely amazing. She’s delightful. Really. I could just look at her face all day and just snuggle in the folds of her neck. She’s a happy child, ready to play and easy to bring to laughter. She loves hugs and cuddles and kisses and so it was easy to fall for her. She likes music and dances to songs she recognizes and sings to herself – just like mommy. She is also mommy centered. In everything, she asks for Mommy. So it helps for someone to so vocally want you around.
I also think about how God doesn’t always give you what you want, he gives you what you need. Wood was always hesitant about making our range for foster children 0 -2 years of age. He wanted someone as young as possible, or as his mother said, “a lap baby.” I convinced him to go up to 2 years old because to go any younger would be severely limiting, especially since we were doing foster-to-adopt.
When we babysat Roly, I enjoyed it, but I was hot, and tired, and stressed. At 9 months old, she took a lot of energy and it felt overwhelming and almost like a chore to me. Na-na is a little over 2 years and this seems like the perfect age for me to start with. She takes energy but she gives it back with the way she engages with me. She’s fairly verbal and we can communicate with each other. She likes to play, but she can also play independently so I can get other things done. Wood can also engage more with her. I feel like God said, “well, I tried to give you what you wanted but I could see it wasn’t the right time, so I regrouped. See how you do with this two-year old.” You know what God – well done.