One of the thing that is a consistent theme in my wish lish is that I want to our house/friend list to be more of a community. I envision being very comfortable with folks coming over for dinner at any time during the week, people dropping by with kids/or without, wine drinking and loud conversations that last until folks are very, very tired. I want kids piled into the guest bedroom or on pallets on the floor while the adults continue on with raucous conversations. I want to stop by my friend’s house that have babies and they feel like I’m helping not someone to be entertained. I want salsa in the living room and random guitar playing. I want love and happiness and (slight) messiness. Friends don’t need to be entertained. They just need to be there.
The problem is that none of this falls in line with how my friends are. We are in this weird socioeconomic group where our houses need to be perfect – like a picture on houzz, before someone stops by. There needs to be schedules and invites weeks in advance. And appropriate food choices. And they need to be entertained. What’s that about? I will admit that I add to this drama by being particularly ocd about food being beautiful and tasty.
Add to this that Bear becomes very anxious at the thought of folks coming over and him having to entertain and the house being messy. I’m very surprised by this but in a lot of ways he’s way more formal than me and much less social. He grew up with a lot of real aunts and cousins around. So I know there was a lot of sharing and caring and family support. No entertainment necessary. But maybe the issue is that these were all family members. And my friends aren’t family – at least to him.
I didn’t grow up with a lot of people around. My mother isn’t very social so we only had one play-aunt. But I remember stopping by their house and them stopping by ours, kids running to play in each other rooms and our mother’s somewhere doing motherly things that were mysterious to us since we weren’t allowed in grown folks conversations. We went over my grandmother’s house a lot but she didn’t have a lot of random folks over either.
Having a lot of people around for long periods of time can also be tiring for me. But as I get older and am in more situations where this is required, I see myself getting much better.
I guess neither of us have a model for what I’m feeling and that’s why it’s difficult. I feel like we really need to get this support thing going before we have kids in our lives. Any suggestions on what we can do?