Being Quiet

I am watching the latest episode of Tamar and Vince.  There is so much to say about their relationship but I wanted to talk a bit about knowing when to be quiet.  Vince has been struggling lately – his health had him near death and since then it seems that fear has been an underlying cause of most of their fights.  Fear of Tamar abandoning him, fear of not having a child before he leaves the earth, fear of not living the life he envisions.  A lot of these fights end up with him saying that it’s Tamar’s mouth that makes him flip out.  She talks too much, goes on too long about the same thing, too extra.  This bothers me because as annoying as Tamar can be, she can’t MAKE you react in any specific way.  That is a choice that Vince makes.

This is relevant to me because the hubster tells me something similar.  He calls it “lip-boxing.”  I think a lot of men feel like it’s okay for them to say a woman’s mouth made them act out.  It’s something that you see on television every day – Archie Bunker, Alice and Ralph from the Honeymooners – I’m sure other examples that I can’t think of.  I just refuse to take on that burden.  If I’m just talking to you and you don’t like what I say and start yelling – I won’t accept that it’s my fault.

You have the right to be angry about what I said, but YOU choose how you react. Nope, I’m not going to take any part of the  blame.  Nada.  I’m going to need you to learn how to control how you respond. If your boss said something you didn’t like, would you go off.  Nope, because you know their are consequences to that type of behavior.  So why do you feel like you can come home with alladat. I want to clear something up though.  This doesn’t mean that I can’t review what I said and check myself or apologize if I said something out of pocket.  But if I’m just asking you a question that you don’t like.  Nope, not going to feel any kind of responsible.   I feel that women who accept that it’s their fault end up being those women that are like, if I had just fried the eggs harder that morning, he wouldn’t have hit me.   If I hadn’t asked him why he didn’t come home on time, he wouldn’t have hit me.  That ain’t going to be me.

Anyway, Vince was talking about the pain that he went through and he told her that she never went through anything, she never experienced any pain or tragedy.  And I watched her face and recognized it.  Tamar was practicing the art of being quiet.  Sometimes your husband will just say things that are out of line.  What did he mean she never experienced pain or tragedy?   Her sister almost died from a heart attack, her father cheated on her mother and broke up their family, she said she was in abusive relationships.  Sure, her parents have not died, but to just discount her life was very self-centered.  I’m sure all of that stuff was going through her mind like, say what.   But instead of trying to play pain olympics, she let him have it.  She stayed quiet.  Sometimes you just have to let other people work through their pain and just be still.  To me, that is part of a being a wife.  Sometimes I just have to stay quiet


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