In relationships, my first credo is: bring to the table what you expect to receive. This runs the gamut of expectations. I expect you to be financially stable, so I’ll make sure my credit and finances are in order. I expect you to be able to communicate effectively, so I’ll make sure that I’m working to communicate in a way that you understand. It can even go to the mundane. I expect you to have a car to transport yourself to where you need to be without my intervention, I’ll make sure I’ve got my own wheels. Of course if said car breaks down, I will have your back until you get the ride out of the shop (providing that you are actively working on getting said ride out of the shop). Uhmm, yeah, you get the point.
Lately though, I have been struggling with the following statement: I expect you to bring a whole person to the relationship, and I’ll make sure I’ll bring my ‘emotionally available, sure about what I want and need, ready and willing to love’ self to the table. The problem is, I’m not bringin it.
I have a wonderful friendship with a man that I met this summer, 2K, but I also just got out of a three-year relationship with my ex, almost fiancée, Bear. I never took any time to think about my breakup, how I caused so much pain to Bear and if I really made the right decision.
I truly believe that rebound relationships happen because when people get out of relationships, they have all of these excess feelings and emotions that they are used to sharing with someone. And when that person isn’t around they substitute a new person in the place. The attention and the love from new person help to heal the relationship wounds. One day the person wakes up, looks over at the rebound lying in bed and thinks; this is not really what I want. I don’t want that to happen to 2K. And right now I can’t really determine if he is a rebound because I haven’t figured out what I want and need.
So I’m declaring a timeout. From both Bear and 2K. I know it’s an emotional risk that they won’t be there when I’m ready. And as much as I want to, it would be selfish of me to ask them to wait. I need time to learn from my mistakes and determine what I need.
They both deserve what they are bringing to the table; a whole person, not just little pieces.